Participants:
-
Pete Hegseth — Secretary of Defense 🥃🛩️🧠🚀
-
Jennifer Rauchet — Pete’s wife 🧃📺💅💄
-
Penelope Hegseth — Pete’s mom ☕🧓😡🪑
-
Chad Hegseth — Pete’s brother 💪🧢🥴⚔️
-
JD Vance — Vice President of the United States 🧎♂️🧣🥚📞🕯️🫠
-
Marco Rubio — Secretary of State 🙈📴🫥🧊
-
EsqHammer1776 — Pete’s personal lawyer 🧑⚖️📠🚨📉📛
-
Tulsi Gabbard — mostly ambient noise 👁️📡🤷♀️📿
FULL TRANSCRIPT:
Pete Hegseth:
MORNING BRIEF: bourbon in the mug 🥃✅
shirt in the yard 👕🌪️💨
launch codes on a sticky note ✅🗒️✍️
let’s talk Yemen 🛫📍📉🗺️💭
Jennifer Rauchet:
Pete’s already two bourbons deep 🥃🥃 and humming Toby Keith 🎤🎵 into a tactical helmet 🪖🎧
it’s 7:43 AM ⏰🥴
Pete Hegseth:
bourbon is breakfast 🥃🍳
coffee is a lie ☕🚫
morale is high 📈 liver is humming 🫀🎶
Penelope Hegseth:
Peter, this is the third consecutive day 📆 you’ve started national security planning 🧠📉 with whiskey 🥃 and beef jerky 🥓🥩😡
your breath smells like a gas station ⛽🫢
Chad Hegseth:
yo he just poured Knob Creek 🥃 over a granola bar 🍫🧱
called it “power fueling” 🏋️♂️⚡🔥
JD Vance:
Hi 👋
Is now a bad time to mention I had a dream 💤 where I got hugged? 🫂🧎♂️
It felt… significant 🪄😔
Jennifer Rauchet:
JD 😶
now is not the time ⛔🧃📡
Pete Hegseth:
now is the time 🕛
for bourbon #3 🥃🥃🥃
this one’s called “freedom juice” 🦅🇺🇸💦
EsqHammer1776:
Please remember this chat is not secure 🔓📱🚨
and Pete, please stop referring to alcohol as “strategic fortification” 🧑⚖️🧱🥃🪖
JD Vance:
Does anyone want to just… talk? 🗣️😟
I’m not even lonely anymore. I’m just ambient ☁️🫧🕯️
I ate a boiled egg in silence 🥚🤐 and it made me cry 😢
Tulsi Gabbard:
👁️🎧💭
Marco Rubio:
Auto-reply: “Out of office, indefinitely. Please contact someone who still believes.” 📴🕳️😶🌫️
Chad Hegseth:
Pete’s making a martini 🍸 in a canteen 🥫
with vodka 🧊, beef broth 🥩, and crushed Tylenol 💊🥴
Penelope Hegseth:
Peter. That’s not a drink. That’s a cry for help 🙃🧼🧯
Pete Hegseth:
no it’s a Ranger Martini™ 🚁🍸
served warm 🌡️. like war 🔥💣💬
JD Vance:
My houseplants keep dying 🪴💀
I haven’t touched them. They just… know 👃🫥
Jennifer Rauchet:
JD
please mute yourself 🔇🙏
EsqHammer1776:
Pete just tried to sign ✍️ a drone strike authorization 📄 using a bottle of Wild Turkey 🦃🥃
it soaked through the form 📜💧
the form disintegrated ☠️
I’m going to cry 😖
Pete Hegseth:
that’s called operational aging 🧓📆
makes the paper stronger in spirit 🧻🪄💪🥃
Chad Hegseth:
yo Pete’s on bourbon #5 🥃🥃🥃🥃
he just saluted the fridge 🫡🧊
and called it “Command Central” 🧠🧊🛃
JD Vance:
Does anyone want to go to Chili’s 🌶️
not even to eat 🍽️. just to sit near people 🧍♂️👥🥲
Penelope Hegseth:
Peter. He needs help 👨⚕️ You need help 🆘
I need an Advil 💊 and a new son 👶
Pete Hegseth:
i’m fine 👍
JD’s fine 🧍♂️
we’re ALL FINE 🔥😐
except Marco
Marco’s a fucking screensaver 🖥️🧘♂️
Marco Rubio:
Status: buffering 🔄📡
Tulsi Gabbard:
👂🤨🥃📻
JD Vance:
I just whispered my name 🧎♂️📛 into a pint of yogurt 🥣
and then put it back in the fridge ❄️
someone will find it 🔍
someone will know 🤫
Jennifer Rauchet:
okay
i’m ending this chat 🚫🫣
Pete—drink water 🚰
JD—call someone ☎️
Chad—stop whatever you’re doing 🛑🫵
Pete Hegseth:
NEW THREAD:
🪖OPERATION: LAST CALL🪖
Password = “barrelaged” 🛢️🔐
meeting in 5 ⏱️
bring your livers 🫁🫁🫁
Yes, it’s satire — we made it up. But we had to, because reality stopped trying.
Subscribe to Closer to the Edge for sharp, unruly satire built on a foundation of real-world chaos. When the government’s drunk at brunch, someone has to take notes — and we brought the damn notebook.
This post has been syndicated from Closer to the Edge, where it was published under this address.