Let’s get one thing straight: incommoding isn’t a typo. It’s not a disease. It’s not a weird sex thing. It’s a real charge — an actual legal term — recently hurled at Rev. William Barber for the unforgivable crime of sitting down and praying in the Capitol Rotunda.
And like a thunderclap over a dormant volcano, that one absurd citation cracked open the crust of American decency and summoned something old, pissed, and majestic from deep within the civic underworld…
The Incommodo Dragon.
Not a myth. Not a meme. A movement.
And it’s multiplying.
From mailboxes to airport terminals, traffic lights to sandwich shops, they sit. They swarm. They stall your day and demand your soul. And this summer, they’re coming for every coward in Congress and every capitalist pig who thought “incommode” was just French for “please arrest this woman.”
Ladies and gentlemen, to help explain what the hell is happening, we now turn to the only voice capable of describing this national phenomenon with the seriousness it deserves…
Sir David Attenborough.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH PRESENTS: THE INCOMMODUS DRACONIS
“In the waning light of an overheated empire, a curious species has emerged from the civic fault lines. Behold — the Incommodo Dragon.
Once dismissed as folklore, these magnificent creatures now roam freely — nesting in government mailboxes, migrating through TSA checkpoints, and occasionally sunning themselves on the hood of a Homeland Security SUV while whistling ‘We Shall Overcome’ in perfect harmony.”
“They are not solitary. They swarm. Their camouflage is formidable — one moment they’re dressed like your niece on the way to yoga, the next they’re quoting the Fourth Amendment while chained to a Chick-fil-A drive-thru speaker.”
“Unlike their Komodo cousins, Incommodo Dragons do not kill with venom. They kill with delay. One can disrupt a budget hearing. A fully awakened clutch? The Secretary of State may miss his flight to Riyadh.”
“And what environment has allowed them to flourish? Why now? For that, we examine the evolving terrain of American leadership, now sculpted into a playground of absurdity by the Trump Administration: The Sequel.”
“Observe Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth, seen here attempting to replace the Pentagon’s war room with a CrossFit gym and a framed copy of ‘Art of the Deal.’ His budget briefing was recently hijacked by three dragons disguised as military spouses who locked themselves to the air ducts while reciting ‘War is a Racket’ in five-part harmony.”
“Now shift your gaze to Secretary of State Marco Rubio, who recently attempted to broker peace in Ukraine with a packet of Splenda and a PowerPoint he downloaded from Turning Point USA. A cluster of dragons appeared mid-meeting, unrolled a twelve-foot-long FOIA request, and refused to leave until he answered for every sanctioned arms deal.”
“Then there is Kristi Noem, Secretary of Homeland Security, attempting to scan the border with binoculars while simultaneously dodging glitter bombs launched from a hot air balloon piloted by two Incommodo Dragons dressed as frontier-era librarians. She has taken to conducting press briefings in a bunker. They’ve already infiltrated the ventilation system.”
“And over here — Sean Duffy, Secretary of Transportation, a former lumberjack and reality TV contestant who recently blamed the situation in Newark on ‘bad vibes.’ He was incommoded by a drum circle of Amtrak conductors who all legally changed their names to ‘Pete Buttigieg’ and read aloud from the FAA incident log until he sobbed.”
“These individuals — while dangerous in their own right — have unwittingly provided optimal conditions for the Dragons to thrive. Every lie is a nutrient. Every authoritarian twitch is a hatching ground. The Dragons feed on fascism like it’s free shrimp cocktail at Mar-a-Lago.”
“Soon, they begin to incommode in waves. They block driveways in Arizona. Occupy Starbucks bathrooms in Des Moines. Disrupt parades by turning the floats into mobile tribunals for war criminals. No parade permit survives their gaze.”
“Take one away — five more appear. You cannot sue them. You cannot shame them. You cannot debate them because they will cite the Clean Air Act, the Geneva Conventions, and your own goddamn wedding vows back to you in chronological order.”
“They are fueled by spite and lentils. They drink kombucha brewed in the tears of lobbyists. They chant in tritones. They never sleep. And they remember everything.”
“So this summer, as your private jet is grounded by a drum circle, or your Amazon package is delayed because someone superglued their ass to the conveyor belt at the USPS — know this: it is intentional. It is magnificent. It is the Incommodo Dragon, and it is not here for your brunch.”
Final Warning
If you’re an elected official who thinks “due process” is just a suggestion — beware.
They are coming.
And they’re going to sit so long, and so hard, that your boardroom will need a chiropractor.
This summer, the Incommodo Dragon awakens.
And America will never sit the same way again.
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This post has been syndicated from Closer to the Edge, where it was published under this address.