For anyone who has ever suffered in an abusive relationship, watching Trump and Vance bully Zelenskyy in the Oval Office was a triggering event. Their words, their behavior, their tone, the relentless onslaught of their verbal assaults reproduce what too many of us have experienced at the hands of abusers. It’s a common pattern: entice the victim with promises, with needed aid and support, then turn on them and attack. If you don’t get your way, throw a tantrum. If they complain, make it their fault. “They are the one who should apologize. It’s their fault for wearing that low cut dress, for sipping that doctored drink, for not behaving respectfully or respectably enough. I had to black her eye, what could I do but break her arm? I was provoked. She burned the dinner, she didn’t thank me for all I’ve done for her. Or at least she didn’t thank me enough.” It’s the archetypal pattern of patriarchal control, one that, as a feminist, I’ve been contesting all of my life.
I’ve been fortunate never to have a partner or family member who behaved in that way, but I did for a number of years have a housemate who employed exactly that style of arguing whenever we had a confrontation: shouting, interrupting, yelling in a non-stop barrage, the point of which, no matter what had happened, was that it was somehow my fault. Fortunately, he never got physically violent, but the verbal assault was bad enough. I eventually got him out of my life, and if you have anyone like him in yours, do the same, as fast as possible, whatever the cost. Unfortunately, Zelenskyy doesn’t have that choice with Trump.
Trump, Vance, and their enablers apparently think that this behavior reads as strength, and perhaps it does to their base. But to those of us who are neither bullies ourselves, nor so battered physically and emotionally that we can no longer recognize assault when we see it, this behavior reads as profound weakness. Real strength is not flaunting your power or resources to humiliate another. Real strength is what Zelenskyy exhibited, keeping his cool, not raising his voice, calmly speaking his truth in the face of the onslaught. He didn’t run out of the room, and he didn’t start to cry as I probably would have. He remained polite, and he didn’t back down.
What went on in the Oval Office was not diplomacy. It wasn’t peacemaking. It wasn’t negotiation. Any negotiation for peace in Ukraine must involve the Ukrainians. Otherwise, it’s simply the imposition of power over people unwilling to accept it. We shouldn’t be party to it, we shouldn’t accept it, and we definitely should not pretend that it’s anything other than abuse, pure and simple.
We’ve got to stop confusing naked, raw aggression with strength and manliness. Real men respect women. Real men protect those less powerful than they are, and stand up with courage to those who hold more power. As so we all, whatever our gender, if we have real strength of character. If the United States survives as a nation, it will be because we mature enough to choose leaders who exhibit real strength.
If you are struggling to get out of an abusive relationship, I honor your strength. I stand with you. And I stand with Ukraine.
This post has been syndicated from Starhawk’s Substack, where it was published under this address.